There are several things we ought not to do – social and ethical contracts that are understood; lines not to cross.
They are clear to the average person, and surely they are defined as the utmost dignified behaviors for any person filled with self-worth and strength. Those who guard their hearts and, therefore, measure their words cross their days seemingly without any mishaps.
Then there are people like me: either by nature or after a traumatic experience, they are people with passionate hearts that have remained unguarded. In a devotional I read that was recommended by a friend, hearts ought to be guarded, but they do not want to be. They want to feel with intensity and allow emotion to lead them from experience to experience – they are violent with their words and actions because the heart does not measure or think, rather it is a capricious child that yearns for attention. The unguarded heart seeks excitement, and complete destruction of itself or others so long as it is quenched. It juggles with grief so long as it is not bored – its hopes for love and happiness, yet it does little to receive such behaviors.
One of those unspoken rules is that you ought never to beg for someone’s love…but what if you do? What does it make you? While for some it may be the ultimate form of shamelessness and cowardice, it is surprisingly easy to do. For the unguarded heart, there is not shame, only emotion. That heart wishes never to lose because it is fueled by the ego, and if it requires to lower itself for love…well then the ego is fulfilled. There is no shame in wanting love, however the unguarded heart knows nothing but determination in the realms of love.
The case of ought and heart blends with the mind – when you accept and understand that you cannot be a wild, careless soul, you are challenged to your core. The joining allows you to shed light on all your weaknesses and allows you to realize the destruction you have twisted. The ego cannot and does not love another less itself – in the connection of the soul and mind, the mind humbles the ego and true change can ensue. There forth you recognize the “ought” and assume responsibility for the past. The “ought to” defines itself for the first time. “Ought To” includes others – the thoughts and emotions of others – after which, the “ought” defines you as you realize that the haughtiness of your past actions was not a personality or a characteristic of yourself as much as it was wild instinct that deserves no pride. It does not warrant embarrassment at this juncture, but it does require learning from said lessons.
What now of the life behind you? What if you lost what you love? The only way to know what you loved and what love is, is after the meeting of the heart and the mind. Contrary to what one would have presumed about the passionate nature in regard to certainty and correctness, the unguarded heart knows no love for others; it is only selfishness. Assuming that you conclude that you do love, that you did love something or someone, how can you be trusted? How can one expect that you have learned? What must you do now?
Realize that even that egotistical, narcissistic heart, did not love you. This is because the heart loved only to feel, to be rash, to exude desires and stir others, to cause chaos and manipulate those around you (especially those you love); therefore, it could not love you and did not love you. It allowed you to destroy the world you built and those you attempted to love. Only after the joining of the heart and the mind can you love and grow in love with yourself; only now can you love another person with true intensity. This intensity, this controlled emotional output will be stronger than any love you have known because it is real and has calculated its limits, and still with full control of self can it consciously give to another person and make room to love another as they deserve.
The unguarded heart is not a loyal heart.
At this point in your life behind you follows a trail of broken: people – those that have been influenced and pained by your words. For now, work on yourself and practice the harmony between the mind and the heart and realize that it IS just as fulfilling as living the adventurous, and dangerous life lead by the heart. Make amends when you are able to: speak to them, apologize, and explain if you can – there is no guarantee in this life and that includes the forgiveness of others. If your heart was truly severe there is no knowing the damage you have caused, but in the same, there is always the chance that you may be able to recover something lost. For now, acknowledge and become consumed in knowing yourself – know that you are good and that the malice and viciousness that flowed from you before was a possession.
To myself: You are better than this.
Categories: Humble Pie